For those of you who don't know, I have a cat. His name is Dragon, and he is an adorable, annoying, cuddly, friendly little turd with an amazing amount of hair, which he routinely leaves all over every surface of my apartment. He wakes me up at 5 am by scratching on anything that makes a lot of noise, and he never wants to play except when I'm busy doing something else. He doesn't know it yet, but he is preparing to return to his natural habitat - the Great Outdoors - so my new place will not suffer the same terrible fate of Kitty Claws (I hope and pray).
One thing that fascinates me about cats is their ability to sit and wait for things to happen. Dragon will watch his laser pointer (his favorite toy) for twenty minutes, just analyzing the situation and deciding how to best attack. In fact, he's so patient that it usually doesn't even pay off, because I get bored before he does and end the game. When he hunts outside, he stalks a bird/squirrel/whatever incessantly. He doesn't get annoyed when his prey doesn't do anything. He doesn't try to force it to let him chase it. He just waits for the right time, no matter how long it takes, and then he pounces.
I am so not like that. Patience is a lovely and wonderful thing, and it is not a natural gift of mine. I can't seem to sit and wait for things to come. I just want them to happen immediately so I don't have to dwell in the unpleasant place of waiting and hoping and being terrified something will go wrong. And yet... somehow things never come when I wish they would. For example, I'm ready to get married. I'm sick of waiting, although I'm the one who picked the wedding date. I just want it to be here - I want to have the wedding and the party and the honeymoon and the gifts and everything, but more importantly, I want to be married. The boy and I have been together for so long that we're just ready to seal the deal! And in this season of life, it seems like it's suddenly become very popular to have a relatively brief engagement - which means that we have to endure dozens of other couples beating us to the punch. I hear that the waiting sweetens the moment when it arrives, but right now, as I prepare to live in a half-furnished townhome for 4 months waiting for the moment when the other half of the furniture moves with the boy, and we can purchase new things together, as I dig through plans and vendors and deal with a dozen mini-crises at any moment, I'd sacrifice the building anticipation for the fulfillment.
When things take their time in coming, I have to resist the temptation to agonize over every moment. Every e-mail that doesn't come, every hour my phone log has no missed calls, every day that I make do without something I'm waiting on, I expect the worst. Why didn't he/she e-mail me yet? They must think I'm asking for too much. Why haven't my friends texted me back? Maybe they're mad at me because I've been so busy. What if I don't have what I need to make a decision today? Is my life going to be ruined?
The reality is, the Lord tells us to not let our hearts be troubled. This means, not only are we supposed to have faith that God loves us and works for the good of all of us, but also that we have a choice in the matter. Sadly, I don't get to write off my neurotic fears and impatience as a personality flaw. It's my responsibility to cultivate patience, to wait and to rest in the security that God is not secretly trying to screw me over. And when I say I put my trust in Christ, I'm supposed to, like, actually do that. I have a tendency to say, "Oh, yeah, I trust you, Lord. I know you're good and you love me and all things work to the good of those who love you etc," and then proceed to continue worrying and agonizing over every minute the thing I'm waiting for has not arrived. I try to fix it, to make whatever it is come faster. Of course, I can't. So instead I drive myself crazy and don't concentrate on work and I spend entirely too much time reading blogs on the subject of my impatience. And none of it helps, because I can't make time go faster, and I can't see what's happening in places where I'm not, and I can't predict the future, no matter how hard I try. And so finally, I do what I should have done and let my crazy mind have some genuine rest by throwing in the towel, giving up the ghost, what have you, and letting the Lord do whatever he's doing, and praying that I understand. I'm not in control, even when I think I am. What else can I do but take my cat as an example, and wait for God to bring me what I need?
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| Dragon, the fierce hunter and hair factory. |
I am so not like that. Patience is a lovely and wonderful thing, and it is not a natural gift of mine. I can't seem to sit and wait for things to come. I just want them to happen immediately so I don't have to dwell in the unpleasant place of waiting and hoping and being terrified something will go wrong. And yet... somehow things never come when I wish they would. For example, I'm ready to get married. I'm sick of waiting, although I'm the one who picked the wedding date. I just want it to be here - I want to have the wedding and the party and the honeymoon and the gifts and everything, but more importantly, I want to be married. The boy and I have been together for so long that we're just ready to seal the deal! And in this season of life, it seems like it's suddenly become very popular to have a relatively brief engagement - which means that we have to endure dozens of other couples beating us to the punch. I hear that the waiting sweetens the moment when it arrives, but right now, as I prepare to live in a half-furnished townhome for 4 months waiting for the moment when the other half of the furniture moves with the boy, and we can purchase new things together, as I dig through plans and vendors and deal with a dozen mini-crises at any moment, I'd sacrifice the building anticipation for the fulfillment.
When things take their time in coming, I have to resist the temptation to agonize over every moment. Every e-mail that doesn't come, every hour my phone log has no missed calls, every day that I make do without something I'm waiting on, I expect the worst. Why didn't he/she e-mail me yet? They must think I'm asking for too much. Why haven't my friends texted me back? Maybe they're mad at me because I've been so busy. What if I don't have what I need to make a decision today? Is my life going to be ruined?
The reality is, the Lord tells us to not let our hearts be troubled. This means, not only are we supposed to have faith that God loves us and works for the good of all of us, but also that we have a choice in the matter. Sadly, I don't get to write off my neurotic fears and impatience as a personality flaw. It's my responsibility to cultivate patience, to wait and to rest in the security that God is not secretly trying to screw me over. And when I say I put my trust in Christ, I'm supposed to, like, actually do that. I have a tendency to say, "Oh, yeah, I trust you, Lord. I know you're good and you love me and all things work to the good of those who love you etc," and then proceed to continue worrying and agonizing over every minute the thing I'm waiting for has not arrived. I try to fix it, to make whatever it is come faster. Of course, I can't. So instead I drive myself crazy and don't concentrate on work and I spend entirely too much time reading blogs on the subject of my impatience. And none of it helps, because I can't make time go faster, and I can't see what's happening in places where I'm not, and I can't predict the future, no matter how hard I try. And so finally, I do what I should have done and let my crazy mind have some genuine rest by throwing in the towel, giving up the ghost, what have you, and letting the Lord do whatever he's doing, and praying that I understand. I'm not in control, even when I think I am. What else can I do but take my cat as an example, and wait for God to bring me what I need?
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